Most parents will tell you that parenting is the most difficult and most rewarding thing they have ever done. From the moment your child is born until they leave your house parents are emotionally connected to their kids in a way only another parent can understand. My parents used to tell me that I would never understand how they felt about me until I was a parent. They were right!
You don’t really understand how a parent feels until you are a parent. Funny thing is you do not really grow up knowing how to be a good parent. Usually, you try to remember a few things your parents did right or wrong and then adjust. For young parents it can be incredibly difficult and overwhelming. Parents have problems and struggles too. We do not want to admit we are struggling and want to look like we got it together. However, most of us are just trying to figure it out as we go. It is not like you get a manual or guide on how to be a good parent in ten easy steps. Some parents are young and lack maturity. Others may overcompensate in their parenting based on their own bad experience with their parents.
Parenting is hard and I have discovered one thing many parents struggle with. What is it? Parents do not see what they are doing good. Many parents feel they are doing a poor job or feel guilt for something and therefore struggle making good parenting choices. Many times, we focus on where we are failing as parents instead of where we are getting it right. It is a common parenting technique to encourage parents to see the positive and strengths in their children. However, one of my favorite questions for parents is to ask them what they think they are getting right in their parenting. Most people expect me to ask the opposite.
In my experience it is hard to fix things in a family or in a parenting style if we cannot at least see some good. We all typically do better when we are positively motivated. Guilt and shame rarely are able to sustain long term motivation and behavior changes. Parents need to parent from a positive place. It will be easier for parents to make adjustments and changes if they feel they are not completely blowing it. Most parents will tell you where they think they are messing up but rarely have a list of things they are getting right.
For example, if you decide to improve your choices when you get angry then give yourself some credit. It takes courage to make a different and better choice. Your better choice should be praised not taken for granted. We mostly default to what we witnessed growing up. That’s great if we had amazing parents but most of us are trying to do things better. Parenting is never easy and committing yourself to a better parenting style can be challenging. Thus, identifying your positive progress is key.
Specifically, you may desire to make improvements in your life starting at work. Thus, you may take that different job allowing for more time at home with family. Prioritizing your work and life balance is a huge factor in people’s satisfaction but it can be a hard change to make. Thus, seeing your desire to make a change to improve your quality of life is noteworthy.
Another example of a positive change may be if you decide to get involved with your child’s activities because you want to be more present in your child’s life. Again, it’s a great idea to lean into your family and you should give yourself some credit for making the adjustment.
All these choices by a parent are good and noteworthy, but often overlooked especially by the parent. If you want to make a real change as a parent first notice where you may be succeeding and then it will be easier to tackle some of the big changes that perhaps need to be addressed
A few things to remember when considering your parenting:
1. — What are you doing right?
(i.e., keeping them safe, providing for their needs, etc.)
2.— Think about the good things you remember about how your parents raised you.
(Perhaps there was something from your childhood about how your parents parented you that could strengthen your parenting)
3 — Consider the resources you have available to you that could enhance your parenting style, values, etc.?
(For example, there may be schools, churches, community supports, friends, or family that would help encourage what you are already doing. Remember the phrase “it takes a village” means parents cannot do it alone.)
by Jered B.