How defiance taught me to parent

People inherently don't want to be controlled. Thus, when people tell us what to do we instinctively often want to do the opposite. It is a wonder we are as compliant at times as we are. I think a better exercise is to think about WHY we are compliant. WHY do we choose to follow the speed limits? or come home for curfew? or follow the handbook or manual at work? It seems like these should be easy choices for people, but they are not. People are individuals and individuals want to make their own choices. So the art in parenting a defiant child is to help the child see the power in how their choices can and do effect their life. As their parents, caregivers, and supporters it is up to us to try and help them see through their choices to create the best outcome. However, if you are a parent for longer than five minutes you realize this is easier said than done.

It is totally normal for kids to push boundaries and push limits.  My wife is a teacher and she is very strict and structured at the beginning of school as kids learn and navigate the school boundaries. She makes an observation that I agree with. Kids love structure and boundaries. Now they may respond differently at first because they may have become accustomed to more freewill and an element of chaos. However, structure makes them feel safe and secure because they know what they can depend on which allows them to be more successful.  

The opposite is also true for kids. Did you ever play a game with someone who never played by the rules or always changed the rules? It is very frustrating and makes you want to quit. Now imagine your child’s school only enforcing rules sometimes or only in certain situations or changing them whenever they wanted. We obviously expect more from schools and if they behaved this way we would want some changes. Yet, as parents how often are we being consistent with our boundaries or rules. When our kids don’t know what to expect they can’t meet our expectations. Kids that don’t know how to meet expectations tend to push back more because they don’t know where the boundary is. As parents we must be fair to our kids and ourselves. If you set a boundary don’t waffle on it. Just enforce it and move on. Yes, there may be some escalation or push back but parents should not give in to children’s demands when enforcing boundaries. Kids tend to feel safe when we are consistent with our boundaries and expectations for our child’s behavior.  

Parenting is shaping your child's future! Enjoy It!

However, what happens when we are enforcing a boundary consistently and still getting a lot of defiant and argumentative behavior? Many parents have big responses to defiance and rightly so but trying to understand the underlying cause to defiance is important. Often kids want a level of control and when someone else is forcing boundaries on them they don’t understand there can be a big battle.

When I was a young dad, I wanted to support my wife when she cooked for the family so I thought everyone should at least try some of the dinner she made. One of my children did not want to try the meal. I told my child that they would have to sit at that table and not get dessert till they at least tried mommy’s dinner. Tick..Tick..Tick…Three hours later my child still refuses to take a bite. It was 10pm and way past bedtime and we needed a resolution. I was angry and my child was unraveling after a 3-hour defiant stretch.  I felt I couldn’t lose this battle to a 4-year-old. However, real problem was getting in that situation to begin with. So what do we do when we have defiance in our home with our kids. Here are five things to remember when your child is defiant. 

1. Explain WHY you have your boundary or expectation for your kid. The “why” is everything. Sometimes our kids don’t understand our rules and boundaries and “why” we are enforcing them. Often when a child understands your reason for making the rule it can often help with compliance.  

2. Explain family roles. Sometimes kids may try to take on an adult role. I heard my wife tell our kids to repeat the phrase, “I am a child, and I am not in charge.” Let kids be in kid roles. Kids grow up fast so encourage your kids to be kids. They only need to be in charge of them and don’t need to feel the burden of the household.  

3. Offering choices is paramount.  Offering choices allows your child to feel like they have some control over the situation. This can keep feelings from escalating.  For example, if you want your kid to leave the house with a coat because it is cold outside. You can offer them the choice on the red sweater or blue coat. This lets a kid have some room to make a choice that you support. The adult produces the two choices and the child gets the flexibility inside of the parent’s offerings. It also tells your kid that you trust them to make a choice on a jacket because one day the choices will be immensely bigger and harder to navigate.  

4. Avoid escalation. This is easier said than done. Often defiance and disrespect can trigger the anger of a parent.  However, there is not a lot to gain from arguing and escalating with a defiant child.  Often defiant children want to battle and take energy from whoever with argue and fight with them.