As previously discussed, men are struggling with their role and function in modern America. In previous generations roles were clearly defined and understood. The Modern Man website argues that men continue to be confused about their place and function in society.[i] While it is important to celebrate the gains others have achieved male absence in greater society leaves observers head scratching. Many struggle to understand the decline of men. Healthy societies should make a collective effort to bring everyone forward, which is why more research is urgently needed to understand the growing gap in male disengagement and diminishing contribution in larger society.
Men seem to be looking to everything from media to movies to understand what their role is supposed to be.[ii] While women appear more comfortable and have less confusion about their role in society men seem confused about how to fit in. Men and women should both be celebrated for their ability to contribute to society and the absence of men effects others as well. Indeed, children are more likely to be in poverty when men are missing.
Likewise, an article for Vox points out that the differences between men and women in other cultures have a healthy respect and collaboration when working together.[iii] Thus, if men do have opportunities to have impacts on culture and families then society should encourage them to grow and mature into those roles.
The article in Vox goes on to argue that because America struggles with doing things in extremes creating a cultural and parent overreaction of doing too much or not enough in helping young men.[iv] Meaning that often when culture and parents underreact the approach by parents and society is to just “let the chips fall where they may.” Perhaps parents and culture feel that children will find their own way. Perhaps they feel little should be done to teach and inform children about gender functions and roles.
However, the article for Vox also argues the belief that we can have healthy roles and gender norms without doing it in an extreme way.[v] Parents and culture can offer guardrails and insights without being heavy handed. Few will advocate for a do-nothing approach to parenting. Our children need guidance and wisdom from those with more life experience. Children and young adults will always look for ways to fit in with the world around them. While boys and young men may develop their own views of masculinity over time most are wanting and needing a starting place. It is important for families, friends, and communities to help shape what this should look like. Not simply sitting back and observing.
I think most kids are looking for help to understand how to behave and act. Not providing them with that support can create frustration and confusion on how to fit in. Most boys are looking for direction. The Vox article also mentions boys and men are looking for a “roadmap” to manhood and a void is left when one is not provided.[vi] Boys and men that don’t know their function and purpose in their community can lead to poor choices and poor mental health outcomes. Rightly, the alarm bells should be going off when we see that 3 out of 4 suicides of despair are men.[vii] Ignoring men’s plight only leaves our communities without fathers and husbands.
Conversely, there can also be overlap in roles between men and women that make a family stronger. Men can both serve and protect and stay at home with their children. Women can be the primary bread winner and be a committed mother. The modern man should feel empowered to have more, not less, choices about how to shape his own future. Instead of feeling trapped and constrained men should feel called to lead and serve in their communities. Many female teachers that work and serve in elementary schools will remark to me about the profound impact even just a few men that volunteer or serve in their schools make. Many elementary schools have few to no men serving in the lower grades and most classes are at least half male meaning many of those boys are looking and needing support from adult men.
Historically, young men that were physically gifted were encouraged to serve and protect or to work with their hands. In modern culture, we open the playbook for a young man to choose whatever they want. While this is a wonderful opportunity for many young boys and men, they are also looking for direction and guidance. For example, if a young man is bigger and stronger than older people or women what is his responsibility with that physical attribute.[viii] Boys and men, often, are also looking for a place to channel their size and strength. In my experience, not helping a young man figure out how to channel their size and strength can lead to using their size and strength in a way that is not helpful or even harmful. So instead of seeing the strong young man as toxic or strange we should celebrate how they can better serve and integrate into our society.
However, there appears to be some serious gaps in men gaining this knowledge. Since culture is always changing it requires one generation to pass on information to the next. I have spent countless hours in a variety of roles with boys and men that are looking for purpose and function in their families and communicates. This gap is hard to fill when research bemoans the absence of men from raising the next generation.[ix] Thus, we cannot pass on generational knowledge when no one is there to share it. Below are some insights that can perhaps tip the scales as we begin to craft solutions to help men be, and stay, at their best.
1. It takes men to raise men. Boys need men and men need men. Men set ground rules for other men. Men understand other men and can reach other men. They also can shape young boys to understand and grow into productive men in society.
2. Boys and men need opportunities to be around other men and physical activity can be incredibly helpful. Most boys are active and busy, and sports helps boys get energy out, learn to play with other boys, and perhaps get influence from a male coach. In light, that many boys grow up without a father in the home having a male coach on a sports team can be invaluable.
3. Men need other men to look up to. If you don’t like some of the internet or celebrity role models your son is looking up to consider who can fill that gap. Relationships among men and boys can be transformative whether a coach, boss, coworker, or roommate. Men are influenced by other men so who men choose to emulate is significant.
4. Men need to be told they have a purpose. If men don’t feel they have a role at home or in the workplace they will flounder. Likewise, many men that retire struggle with their identity because they have lost their purpose. Family, friends, and community always need to be calling men into roles that make them feel important and valued.
[i] “Are Modern Men Confused about What It Means to Be a Man?” The Modern Man, February 12, 2021. https://www.themodernman.com/are-modern-men-confused-about-what-it-means-to-be-a-man.html.
[ii] “Are Modern Men Confused about What It Means to Be a Man?” The Modern Man, February 12, 2021. https://www.themodernman.com/are-modern-men-confused-about-what-it-means-to-be-a-man.html.
[iii] Illing, Sean. “The New Crisis of Masculinity.” Vox, August 7, 2023. https://www.vox.com/the-gray-area/23813985/christine-emba-masculinity-the-gray-area.
[iv] Illing, Sean. “The New Crisis of Masculinity.” Vox, August 7, 2023. https://www.vox.com/the-gray-area/23813985/christine-emba-masculinity-the-gray-area.
[v] Illing, Sean. “The New Crisis of Masculinity.” Vox, August 7, 2023. https://www.vox.com/the-gray-area/23813985/christine-emba-masculinity-the-gray-area.
[vi] Illing, Sean. “The New Crisis of Masculinity.” Vox, August 7, 2023. https://www.vox.com/the-gray-area/23813985/christine-emba-masculinity-the-gray-area.
[vii] Brooks, David. “The Crisis of Men and Boys.” The New York Times, September 29, 2022. https://www.nytimes.com/2022/09/29/opinion/crisis-men-masculinity.html.
[viii] Illing, Sean. “The New Crisis of Masculinity.” Vox, August 7, 2023.
[ix] “The Extent of Fatherlessness.” National Center for Fathering, April 22, 2024. https://fathers.com/the-extent-of-fatherlessness/.