Don’t underestimate the importance of listening and learning to listen. In such a busy society the struggle to slow down and listen to one another is real. It is hard work to slow down in most Western societies. Notice yourself struggling to listen to anything longer than a 50-character tweet or a brief TikTok video?
If you place a low value on listening, consider these examples.
I’m sure you were listening on your wedding day to hear whether your spouse said “I do” when taking their vows.
You also will be listening when you are a new parent at the doctor’s office finding out if you are having a boy or a girl.
Likewise, you will be listening to the doctor share news about whether you or a loved one has cancer.
I bet you did or will listen in each of those scenarios. However, it is the everyday moments that can present us with so many challenges. It is those daily challenges to listening that I want to offer some insight and support.
Most of us are lazy listeners because we genuinely may not care or are too busy to care. It is hard to be a good listener when we are conditioned to stop listening after a few minutes. The expectation is that as we grow and get older, we will improve on many things. However, the opposite can also be true. You become more entrenched in your thinking and behaviors the older you get and have less room to want to listen and accept new things. Thus, your desire and ability to listen or be open to others diminishes unless you work at it. You have heard the phrase “you sound just like your parents.” What does that mean? It means time repeats itself and you become comfortable with the familiar and the constant. You don’t like change? You must work hard to fight the desire to stay the same, especially in how you listen.
Listening is hard because it is work and it is easier to be a lazy listener. We can just nod and dismiss instead of actively engage with someone. It is hard work to be a good listener and it is an active choice we must make every day. Listening to others will teach you that all people have a complex story, and most people care less about being right or wrong and care more about being heard and noticed. The funny thing is people probably think they are already good at listening. Thus, the assumption listening is easy, and people assume there is not much to learn. They instinctively might think they care about the story they hear and the person telling it. But listening is an ongoing learned behavior. You are always getting better or getting worse at it. One thing for sure is you do not instinctively, just, pick it up.
Also, listening requires passion for someone else’s story. You must genuinely be curious. While curiosity might kill the cat; it is vital to a healthy relationship. Have you ever talked to a long-time married couple? Ask them how they met and see what happens? You will get an hour-long conversation. Why? You hit a sweet spot that allowed the couple to have space to share their life with you.
Unfortunately, we are conditioned to dismiss the parts of a story we feel we know or have heard before. It’s like a movie we have seen over and over. We may have the story and plot memorized but the mystery and intrigue of the story are gone. We do this in our listening. We typically do it the most with family. People we love the most, we often listen to the least. We feel we know their stories; we have them memorized. So, there is no mystery left to them. Remember a good listener is genuinely interested in the other person’s story and thus has a real curiosity, even in stories being retold. Like a good movie we have seen for the umpteenth time, we still need to find new things to appreciate and notice something we have either forget or missed. Because, when we fail to listen, we make people feel we don’t care about their stories and in turn make them feel we don’t care about them.
Take these five steps to keep your listening love alive for the people that REALLY matter to you.
1. Discover by asking questions. Asking questions lets someone know you are curious and would like to have some additional information.
2. Mystery and Curiosity. Acting curious is a unique listening skill that we probably do well on a first date but might be harder a year into a relationship. We often listen the least with someone we know well. You must try and set aside your assumptions long enough to give them a fair hearing.
3. Awareness. Simply, being aware that you need to keep improving is important. Even professional listeners must work at listening. No one has ‘arrived’ with their listening skills.
4. Be a graceful listener. Listening needs grace. Listening needs to give someone the benefit of the doubt, to see them in their best light, and to give a clean slate. When is the last time you heard a news story that gave someone grace or the benefit of the doubt? It doesn’t happen. It’s all about the snap judgement and assumptions that may or may not prove to be true.
5. Be receptive! Most of us rush to make judgements without listening to the complicated pieces that go into someone’s story. We are quick to judge a short tweet or post but usually the truth takes a little while to unpack. If you want to be heard and understood by others then we must extend the same respect to others.