I want to address an ongoing pain point in our culture: helping our children, particularly adolescents, develop greater resilience in the face of mounting digital challenges. It is always important to continue to try and understand the culture adolescents grow up in. Each generation and its culture have its own challenges today is no different.
I recently came across an article by Lisa Hinkelman, a professor at Ohio State University. The study involved thousands of teenage girls, and she shares some compelling results. Hinkelman runs a nonprofit organization which focuses specifically on the experiences of girls as they navigate adolescence.
In her research, she highlights several critical pain points. One of the most striking findings is that 67% of the girls she studied intentionally refrain from sharing their thoughts, opinions, or disagreements because they want to fit in and be accepted. It’s concerning that they feel unable to express their true feelings and feel silenced.[1]
Reflecting on adolescence over the years, it’s evident that this is a challenging time for fitting in with peers. When I was growing up, we referred to social groups as "cliques." To fit into these groups, people often dressed in certain ways that matched the group’s style. However, the dynamics have changed, and the impact of social media has significantly amplified these effects.
Today, our sense of belonging and acceptance is more intense than in the past. With constant access to social media, we receive real-time feedback on how others perceive us, which can fluctuate from moment to moment. For instance, when you post an image on Instagram or participate in TikTok challenges, you are eager to see how people respond to you. It’s perfectly normal to want to engage in behaviors that increase your satisfaction and acceptance rather than decrease them. Thus, expressing opinions that might be contrary or different can feel risky.
Likewise, teenagers receive social pressure with ongoing likes or comments on their social media posts. They become hyper-aware of how others perceive them, leading them to adjust their identities to conform to trends or popular opinions. It's only natural for them to seek validation from their peers, but this shouldn't come at the expense of their authenticity. If they express a thought that diverges from the prevailing narrative on social media, they can often feel the need to modify their views to maintain the social status quo.
Hinkelman raises a vital concern: this environment is silencing our children and preventing them from sharing their true selves.[2] Instead of revealing their genuine thoughts and feelings, many teens feel compelled to project a carefully curated image—or “brand”—that aligns with external expectations.
Fitting in is important, especially during our teenage years, and what our peers tell us significantly affects how we see ourselves. It's normal for teenagers to adjust their behavior based on feedback from others—whether they are told they're good-looking, athletic, underweight, or overweight.
It's unfortunate that, at such a young age, many are already concerned about how to market themselves. This pressure can make it hard for them to express their true opinions and feelings because they feel they must maintain that brand image, influenced by what others think of them.
As parents and adults concerned about the challenges kids face while growing up, we must understand the pressures of fitting in and the need to uphold a particular image. There are even unwritten rules about navigating these platforms. This creates a constant pressure to manage their personal branding, which can feel like a full-time job.
As a parent, I care deeply about my child’s thoughts and experiences. I want the truth—what happened at school today? Are they being bullied? What do they think about a conflict with a friend or partner? I don’t want the sanitized or filtered version of their life displayed on social media; I want to understand what’s really going on.
We need to encourage our kids to feel comfortable being themselves and living authentically, without feeling the need to present a polished version based on peer expectations. It starts with assuring our children that they matter—encouraging them to trust their own opinions rather than the surrounding noise telling them otherwise. This may sound counterintuitive, given that many of us crave validation from others, but at their core, children must learn that their voice and self-perception are what truly matter.
It is helpful to guide kids how to prioritize the voices that matter in their lives. Do they need to listen to social media influencers or the negativity from peers at school? Or focus more on the voices of their friends, family, and if religious--God. Once you narrow the noise it really helps manage some of the expectations of trying to fit in. Instead, they start to fit in with themselves, and get a little more comfortable in their own skin.
To break it down, here are some key points:
1. Trusted Adults: It's essential to have other adults in your child's life who help them realize they can believe in themselves and reinforce the message that they are enough.
2. Parental Encouragement: As parents, we often correct our children, and while that’s necessary, it’s important to balance correction with encouragement. We need to reassure them that they are important and that they have the strength and resilience to get through the challenges of adolescence.
3. Shaking Off Negativity: Negative voices can be overwhelming, coming from social media, peers, or various environments. Helping kids develop the confidence to shake off negativity and move forward is essential. They shouldn’t feel burdened by their rejected opinions or social media backlash.
4. Value of Their Voice: It’s vital for children to understand that their voices matter. Each child is unique, and what they think and say is important. We should encourage them to express their views, even if they differ from ours, while also making room for other people's opinions. It’s crucial for them to feel they can share their thoughts without fear of judgment.
5. Investing in Others: Lastly, sometimes it helps to invest in someone else's child as well, not just our own. During adolescence, kids may stop listening to their parents, so having another trusted adult or mentor that I child can turn to can be beneficial.
Overall, encouraging children to see their worth and providing them with a supportive environment helps them navigate the complexities of growing up. Reminding teens that they aren’t a finished product yet no matter what they might be saying otherwise. They are metaphorically, still in the crockpot, still in the oven baking. Things are still developing and coming out physically, mentally, emotionally, so be patient.
Jered
[1] Hinkleman, Lisa. “Thousands of Teenage Girls Took Part in a New Study. What They Revealed Should Terrify You.” Yahoo!, Yahoo!, Jan. 2025, ca.style.yahoo.com/thousands-teenage-girls-took-part-023104106.html.
[2] Hinkleman, Lisa. “Thousands of Teenage Girls Took Part in a New Study. What They Revealed Should Terrify You.” Yahoo!, Yahoo!, Jan. 2025, ca.style.yahoo.com/thousands-teenage-girls-took-part-023104106.html.